How I'll get rich finding you a job

Introducing the Tortuga Network

It seems the more churlish and Nebraskan corners of the Dissident Right persist in calling your poor Cap’n Walt a grifter.

Now let me say right off the bat that I’m not at all offended by the substance of this accusation, because it’s basically on point; the main reason I’m on Substack is indeed to convert my stratospheric verbal IQ into an enormous passive income / racist art hoe gf / loyal coterie of Zoomer guys who fan my balls all the time.

And this isn’t to say ideas don’t matter at all, because I’d honestly estimate they do matter to me like ~40% at the moment, and I earnestly expect that number to asymptotically approach 100% as I continue to successfully instrumentalize my verbal acumen. But as it stands ideas unapologetically take a back seat to the rather more visceral demands of my wallet, heart, and penis. Sue me.

Anyway, like I was saying—I don’t object to being called a grifter on the substance of the matter, because I absolutely intend to use my followers for my own purposes, and actually talk about this in like half my promotional materials.

What I absolutely object to is people thinking I’m some kind of spiritually hollow MLM salesman who’d throw away the reputation he painstakingly built amidst the most memorable and important years of his life for a few hundred bucks.

Do you realize how insulting that is?

I’ll be the first to admit Walt Bismarck is a manipulative hustler. But he’s not an unhoused bantu poaching copper wire from abandoned buildings! He’s in it for the long haul, and when Walt hustles you it feels good and you thank him for it!

Only blockheaded psychopaths instrumentalize people in that aggro high time preference zero sum way where they actually feel taken advantage of. Men of real vision provide genuine value to their followers, and in doing so cultivate a robust power base that ultimately yields a massively asymmetric return.

So why on God’s green earth would I scam some poor schmuck for fucking $250 when I could simply invest in him a bit, wait for his flower to blossom, and then persuade a transformed feller who makes eight times as much to donate a five figure sum to whatever artistic / scholarly / activist project I’m most interested in?

Controlling the purse strings gives you control over the culture.

But I could go even more transactional than that, because my officers are at long last making tangible progress toward our goal of creating an external staffing firm that places prominent Tortugans in plum corporate roles. And once this bad boy’s fully operational I won’t even need to wait for my men to start job stacking before gaining access to serious cash, because every time I place a new autistic racist at KPMG I’ll pocket like ten or fifteen grand.

This has always been the real “grift” I had in mind with Tortuga. It’s what everything has been leading up to—what will give us the capital to make a real splash in the world and flex our nuts a bit. And it’s a tricky business model to get right for sure… which is why it’s a good thing I have experience (not to mention dozens of financial / operational files plundered from Shylock’s google drive).

But to fully weaponize our staffing firm I’ll need to expand our reach far beyond Tortuga’s current membership. Obviously my pirate bois will always get first priority when it comes to plum corporate roles, but there are also loads of guys in our circles who aren’t necessarily interested in job stacking but would clearly benefit from a headhunter with its thumb on the scale.

And that’s why we created The Tortuga Network.

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What is the Tortuga Network? Right now it’s simply an email list with “skillset” and “industry” and “notes” attached to each entry. Currently it sports many dozens of engineers / data analysts with a handful of lawyers / accountants.

Long term it will be our organization’s single most valuable asset.

We’ll use it to juice corpos through our headhunter while building a closed loop for staffing both internal and external consulting projects, which will make it substantially easier for senior members to open their own consultancies with midlevel guys they trust. Then eventually we can scale this same venture into a politically potent fundraising network and even a fully-fledged network state.

But all that’s in the distant future; right now we’re still getting the Jewish stuff taken care of, and it will be a few weeks at least before we’re in any position to place someone. In the interim though feel free to join the Tortuga Network at the link above if you have any interest in collaborating with us. We’ll get in touch as soon as we find something that matches your skillset.

Also friendly reminder that we’re in the last few months of Beta and the cost of Tortuga membership is doubling to $500 as of 12/31/2024. Everyone who joins before then will automatically be admitted to all higher tiers going forward, so if you’ve given any thought to rolling the dice now is probably the time.

But that’s all from me today, gents.

Pluribus Inservimus

— Cap’n Walt