The Tortuga Newsletter: April 2026
Springing Forward Into A Spicy Summer
Hello Tortugans, and a good morning to those passing through our shores today.
Today, we bring to you our second official newsletter; you can check out our previous one here.
This winter has been full of challenges, and our crew is excited to melt away our old troubles and seek some greener vistas in the upcoming months.
As usual, we will we share all the wins we’ve been accumulating, and also share some of our plans that are soon to come to fruition.
The Captain’s Log
This section provides General Updates and an Overall Summary.
I was the first landlubber to jump aboard and join The Tortuga Society nearly two years ago… We had a litany of naysayers & doubters, we were called scammers, we were told our little fantasy group of raiders would never amount to anything.
How we’ve proven them wrong mates!
Nearly two years — it’s hard for your humble Captain to believe. We’ve come so far and where are those same scallywags now? Our crew has filled their coffers with stacks of cash, we’ve successfully placed our bilge rats in high paying roles, four of these pitiless Bucs have written & published novels on our site, and our Pirate hideaway now boasts over 180 members.
It’s been an incredible privilege & honor to serve as your captain you Scurvy Dog Hornswogglin' Scoundrels!
On a personal note: Your playboy wench enjoying Captain is now a married man & a father — how the times have changed lads.
-Theon Ultima
Crew Victories
This section is dedicated to Recent Tortuga Member Wins.
Have a win to share? Post it in our Telegram chat, or message one of the Captains or Admins to be featured.
Captain Codebeard
Released a recipe app: “My app can import recipes from anything! Snap a picture, and boom — you have a searchable recipe.”
Officially began job-stacking this past quarter!
Started yet another job; this time as data science contractor.
Secured a job that pays 50% more using Tortuga’s professional resources.
Council Victories
This section is dedicated to Recent Tortuga Admin Wins.
Want to contribute to larger organizational efforts? Have specific questions about internal progress or highlights? Send us a message, or post a comment or question on this post.
We welcomed 17 new members into our society since our last newsletter.
We gained 150+ new subscribers to Tortuga Media in, including many paid subscribers, putting us close to the coveted 1K mark.
We have successfully hosted many talented individuals as a part of our “Special Guest Stand-Up Calls”.
These include Asmy, Noah Revoy, The Calipers, and Annie Normal
We’re have quite a few openings for upcoming special guests, so if you’re interested chatting with the guys, please get in touch.
We recently formed a brand new Tortuga Privy Council that will be closely supporting the admin team in its endeavors moving forward. The individuals chosen have demonstrate great loyalty and enthusiasm toward Tortuga’s endeavors. They include:
The 13th Grade and Krug: Head of Tortuga’s publishing and creative writing efforts
Bingo Bobbins and Tom Swift: Head of Tortuga’s technology stack and technical learning materials
Portavoz Pirata: Tortuga’s marketing lead
Professor Axelrod: Tortuga’s chief business and academic advisor
We are now hosting many of our published authors’ works on our website. Please check out these excellent novels and support their ongoing creative work.
Great Posts From The Crew
Below are listed some of the best essays & podcasts from Tortuga members over the past several weeks.
The Proper Attitude for Prose Stylists – Krug
Krug argues that the MFA workshop culture of agonizing over every word has quietly strangled English prose, and that the right model for a serious writer isn't the painstaking craftsman but the improvisational musician — someone who has internalized the instrument so deeply that thought and expression become one. A rich, inspiring manifesto for writers who actually want to write.
Costco’s Secret Weapon – Professor Axelrod
Professor Axelrod makes the sharp and underappreciated case that Costco's true competitive advantage over Walmart isn't the hot dogs or the membership loyalty loop — it's that the membership model functions as an anti-theft mechanism, quietly shielding them from the retail "shrinkage" epidemic that has gutted their competitors in an era of decriminalized shoplifting. Funny, sharp, and more politically observant than a piece about bulk toilet paper has any right to be.
You Should Be Shooting More Karens, Anon – Bingo Bobbins
Bingo Bobbins brings spicy and salacious interpretation to the events that transpired in Minneapolis leading to Rene Good’s timely end.
Tom Swift diagnoses the modern West as intellectually post-Classic: drowning in data but incapable of the serious, standards-driven debate that animated the Victorian educated class. He proposes a “Great Restoration” anchored in classical formation, honest epistemic standards across the ideological spectrum, and the pursuit of two civilizational frontiers — the deep ocean and space — as the engines that will drive the next heroic age.
Mayor Mamdani’s Zoomette Art Hoe Wife Found Liking Nick Fuentes Clips on Instagram – ringleader
A short, sharp piece of gonzo gossip reporting on NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani's wife Rama Duwaji, whose anonymous Instagram account was allegedly caught deep in a Nick Fuentes like-spree. Ringleader delivers the scoop with maximum irreverence and minimum restraint — and yes, Fuentes did respond on Signal."
I’m Going to Have Sex With My Bitcoin – Centaur Write Satyr
CSW goes full cryptorotica in this deranged and surprisingly coherent love letter to Bitcoin — tracing the full arc of western sexual liberation from boomers to furries to AI, before arriving at his inevitable conclusion: that BTC, scarce, volatile, ungovernable, and immune to sweet talk, is the perfect postmodern lover. Diamond hands as foreplay; the blockchain as wedding vows.
Debunking Alex Nowrasteh’s Research on Immigrant Assimilation – Simon L
Simon L takes a scalpel to the Cato Institute's widely-cited claim that immigrants politically assimilate by the 2nd or 4th generation, exposing a fatal methodological flaw
Five Things to Do Before You Buy the Ring – Noah Revoy
Noah Revoy makes the sharp observation that modern courtship unfolds almost entirely inside comfort — restaurants, couches, climate-controlled rooms — meaning couples often marry a version of each other that only exists when everything is going well. His antidote: five deliberately stressful pre-engagement tests designed to strip away the courtship mask and reveal actual character before you put a ring on it.
Fiddler’s Green (Chapter 1) – The 13th Grade
Nemesis Fiction has begun serializing The 13th grades’ novel, Fiddler’s Green. The book begins with common Western tropes, but those who have read the first chapter will have realized that the Old West of the novel is not the Old West we are familiar with. Texas is an independent nation, at war in Mexico, and Colorado is in another country. An alternate history.
How to Read the Bible – Top Shelf Theology
Top Shelf Theology serves Catholic catechesis with a Cape Cod in hand, arguing that biblical literalism and smug New Atheism are two sides of the same dim coin, while walking through the rich symbolic numerology embedded in scripture — sevens mean covenant, sixes mean failure, forties mean suffering — and wrapping it all up with a surprisingly illuminating tangent on why soldiers rubbed olive oil on themselves before battle, which is exactly why we anoint kings and priests today.
What a French Nobleman Learned From a Tribe of Cannibals (That We Still Haven’t) – Aion Armstrong
Aion Armstrong takes Montaigne's 1580s essay "On the Cannibals" apart stitch by stitch, asking whether the philosopher was making a genuine case that European "civilization" was more barbaric than the Tupi cannibals of Brazil — or just running the most elaborate Renaissance shitpost in history.
Of Wizards and Walrus-Men – Daniel M. Bensen
Daniel M. Bensen delivers a punchy February book roundup from Bulgaria, dispensing with Games People Play (true but stale), praising the first three volumes of Bakker's Second Apocalypse while diagnosing the series as the purest specimen of Gen X nihilism — great at tearing things down, useless at building anything back up.
Butterfly Effect – Theon Ultima
Walt Bismarck joined host Theon Ultima to discuss the Solar counterpoint to their previous discussions’ Lunar Donnie Darko — exploring the theme of the limits of Male Agency.
Friends of Tortuga
Below are listed some of the best reads from friends and allies of Tortuga over the past several weeks.
Your Gym Should be a Temple – by Fortis Vita
A Short History of the Gender Wars – by Russell Walter
Stranger In a Strangeland – by Annie Normal
Conservative breeding revolution: not happening - by Sebastian Jensen
The Cathedral & the Ceiling: Coordination Technologies & Conservative Art - by Dmitry
Molested by Elite Human Capital in Mexico City – by The Calipers
Upcoming Horizons
This section provides a glimpse of our Short-Term Roadmap.
The Tortuga Society has grown and transformed a lot since our initial days! To that end, we are finally planning to expand into the real world this year. The digital world is enticing, but our job is to make both the internet and the physical world a fun place to occupy.
We are officially launching The Ports of Tortuga.
The Ports of Tortuga is an initiative designed to foster local connections and meetups among Tortuga Society members.
That’s right – we will be hosting our first in person meetups this year. Our privy council is working hard to coordinate with select crew members to kickoff some great in-person activities. (Tortuga members can find the survey behind the paywall at the end of this article)
We are in the midst of planning an official Tortuga Publishing platform.
Tortuga Publishing is here to identify once-in-a-generation literary talent and help them level up both their skills and their sales
Tortuga has a desire to move beyond just simply featuring great works. We want to be a place where talented guys can get the help they need to launch the creative side of their lives.
You’ll hear more about both of these efforts in the upcoming months.
Closing Notes From Tortuga’s Leaders
Damn it feels good to be a Tortugan — we’ve got so much on the horizon mates. If you’re not a full member yet what’re you waiting for? Reach out to me a Theonultima@tortugasociety.biz if you have any questions.
Pluribus Inservimus!
— Theon & Rajeev
